words to remember

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

-- Mary Elizabeth Fry

this weekend

This weekend will not be easy, but it will be important and valuable. Honoring an old friend from high school who was taken too soon. Hoping we can get around this fire to do so (and thank you so much, firefighters, for keeping us safe despite this scary situation). Celebrating a dear friend's new and beautiful home. Soaking up the sunshine and 90+ degree heat of the valley. Checking out the art deco buildings in Beverly Hills. Hoping for another set of zebra-print bath robes in our hotel room (only in LA, right?).

LA, here we come.

today

(i only buy running shoes on sale. because of that, they're usually a really great combination of pink and hideous)

Today was one of those hard days. I stumbled upon something I made a year ago, when this whole crazy journey began. I forced myself to chuckle aloud at my former naivete, but all I could feel was this deep ache in my gut. The ache has certainly dulled over the past year, but I still can't help but feel it. And honestly? I wanted to wallow in self-pity a little. I wish this could be easy and I wish I never had to experience any of this. I miss being naive and optimistic. 

I wanted to throw away what I found, so that I would never stumble upon it in the future and have it hurt me again. But then again, if this all works out, I would be throwing away something important and valuable. If it doesn't work out, this thing is useless. I guess I still have a little more hope than I realized, because I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it.

Thank goodness for exercise, endorphins, and sunshine. This evening's run is much-needed and will be much appreciated.

lemons and lemonade

(los angeles, ca)

"What looks like a loss may be the very event which is subsequently responsible for helping to produce the major achievement of your life."

-Srully D. Blotnick

i can do hard things

Nine months ago, I married The Husband. Best decision, hands-down, I have ever made. It has been the best nine months of our relationship and I have tried to treasure every moment of these early days of marriage. 

sands beach, january 2013. check out that channel island in the background.

I thought our lives would look very different by the time 2013 came around. These first months of my marriage have been quite the lesson in control and acceptance. After feeling hopeful, despairing, frustrated, numb, insecure, guilty (SO MUCH GUILT), and exhausted, I am sitting here today feeling hopeful yet again. I am hopeful that today will be the first day of tangible progress, but even if it's not, I will do everything I can to still have hope for progress in the future.

While I do not pray, I do hope. I don't necessarily have faith that this will be resolved, as reality has shown that sometimes it has other ideas in mind for the path that my life will take. I do, however, have faith that, despite how things end up, I have it in me to deal with this with as much dignity and grace I can muster. It's so silly, but I am so proud of myself for wearing mascara today. It is my promise to myself that, no matter what, I'll keep it together and face what comes with optimism and dry eyes.***

*** I struggled as to whether or not I should post this, as it's really personal. I've decided to do so in the hopes that putting this out there for others to read will help me hold myself accountable for how I deal with this stuff. Also, if this can help anyone else who is going through hard times feel a little less sad or isolated, that's a win, too.