quick link: bring your feminist self to work

(this photo has nothing to do with this post. but isn't my kitty adorable?)

I'm not feeling the slightest bit inspired to write anything lately, so check out Bring Your Feminist Self to Work (Every) Day, a really interesting article about being a feminist in a male-dominated professional space. 

First and foremost, you have to overcome your own inevitable sense of “imposter syndrome,” take up space, and speak up. When I’m at a meeting in an intimidating place with what I perceive to be lots of smart, successful people, especially if the room is mostly populated by men, I force myself to say something at least once. It doesn't have to be right away (sometimes I gain courage by listening and observing first), but I can’t leave the room without contributing something. That’s not just for my own advancement; it also helps the team get used to hearing women’s voices and perspectives, in general.

The above concept really stood out for me - the idea of making sure, as a women, to say / contribute something, especially when the environment seems intimidating. Not only is this good for being recognized professionally, this also helps others get used to hearing a woman voice her perspectives and opinions in a male-dominated professional environment. I have taken this to heart and have forced myself to speak up regularly at round-table meetings at my job. It's been less than three weeks and I already see a significant shift in how I feel about my own agency in my job, and how some of my colleagues perceive me and my contributions. People who used to act like they didn't find me particularly important or valuable are taking the time to engage with me on professional and personal levels. All that from less than three weeks of trying to get over my own sense of intimidation.

Feminism for the win (again).

jessica valenti

In case it wasn't obvious, I am a feminist. It is one of the labels I identify with most strongly, and I believe that I owe much of who I am today to the feminist movement and becoming involved in it. Many feminists have their "click" moment, and mine was at the age of 22. I don't remember the context of the thought or even why it came to me, but I suddenly realized that some people were always going to treat me differently (badly), regardless of what I accomplish or how good a person I am; that for many people, including many people in positions of great power, nothing I can do will ever trump the fact that I am a woman. It was a daunting realization, but also spurred me to not sit on the sidelines and to be vocal about the misogyny that is still very much in existence in our society. And once you start seeing it, the little things, the small injustices, even the language used, you can never unsee it. And once you start realizing that misogyny is affecting your life in subtle but important ways on a daily basis, you can't help but feel passionately about righting the gender imbalances in our society.

Jessica Valenti is definitely my role model in regards to what I as a young woman can contribute to this fight.  For starters, she founded Feministing, the best feminist blog ever. Her books, especially The Purity Myth, gave voice to many things I felt and saw growing up, and reframed it in the context of sex-shaming and unreasonable societal expectations of women. She has shown me that it is possible to be a confident, outspoken feminist and that being so is incredibly rewarding, despite the difficulties that come along with being a strong female with strong opinions and a voice that wants to be heard. Yes Means Yes, a collaborative work with Jaclyn Friedman, has taught me how important enthusiastic consent and embracing of female sexuality in a way that is empowering, not objectifying or dehumanizing, is to ending rape culture.

Jessica also writes for various publications and her Tumblr is wonderful. One of my very favorite articles Jessica has ever written is this one. She takes one portion of Sheryl Sandberg's TED talk that stuck out for me as well - that success and likability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women. Taking that assertion one step further in this article, Jessica explains why she will always prefer success over being liked. 

Wanting to be liked means being a supporting character in your own life, using the cues of the actors around you to determine your next line rather than your own script. It means that your self-worth will always be tied to what someone else thinks about you, forever out of your control. - Jessica Valenti, "She Who Dies with the Most 'Likes' Wins?"

And I 100% agree with her. I've always been pretty strong-willed and unwilling to ignore injustice or unethical behavior, which means I have never been one for universal popularity. And I'm fine if that. I used to struggle internally sometimes about wanting to be liked, but that struggle has been put to rest for me. If I really wanted everyone to like me, I would have to give up such significant portions of my personality, my very self. And that's just not a sacrifice I would ever want to make.

Nor would I be able to. I have quite the mouth (and I love it). I am so grateful to feminism for giving me the validation I needed to be my whole authentic self - and to Jessica Valenti for giving voice to my generation of feminists. And now go read her damn article - I have not done it justice in this post.

a true partnership

One of the more important choices in our lives is who we choose as a partner, and what we want that relationship to look like. Who we choose to spend our lives with will certainly affect how we choose to spend our lives, but I barely thought about the impact of my relationship dynamic on the rest of my life until I listened to this talk by Sheryl Sandberg a couple years ago. I never even thought about what I wanted my dynamic with The Husband to be like as we started to build a life together. I knew I loved him, and he me, and that we were happy. We had been together for a couple years before I even thought about how we would compromise on life's obligations, career choices, and family, in the future. I always thought that these  "little things" don't really matter - our love for each other was the only thing that mattered, right? I had no idea how much these "minor" things would affect so many aspects of my life.

(we paid a lot of money for our wedding pics so i will be using them on every post for all eternity)

Luckily, I am married to a man who is my true partner. I have never wanted to be a housewife, responsible for handling everything in the household excepting the finances; Reed does want me to be, either. We split the chores - in fact, he probably does more dishes than I do. We have had long discussions about whose career would take precedence in the future, and we have decided together how that would work out. We talk about shared obligations, and manage those obligations accordingly. This has fostered an incredibly happy and healthy relationship between the two us, which is pretty much what I had expected. 

What I never knew was how much of an impact this would have on my career.

When I was working at a nonprofit, overworked and underpaid but dedicated to the organization's mission, I never could have pulled off the 12 hour chaotic work days leading up a fundraiser if I also had to cook dinner, do dishes, and fold laundry when I got home. I was already handling the responsibilities of two positions, and there is no way I could have taken on the obligations of another - housewife. Even if I had managed to handle all that, that would mean I was probably half-assing both sides of those obligations, which isn't exactly how you want your work to be known if you're trying to get a leg up professionally. Thankfully, The Husband believes in being an equal contributor to our home and our life together. He has saved my sanity many times during my career. And when you're in it together, that's just what you do. 

This also bodes well for the longevity of my professional career. My work inside and outside of the home is of equal value as that of The Husband's. If, in the future, we see a need for one of us to be at home, we will resolve that together, instead of me automatically sacrificing my career because I handle everything at home already anyway; it will be a discussion between two equals that will result in the compromise both of us are comfortable with.

And don't think I am the only one benefiting from our equal partnership. When the tables turn, as they often do, and I am the one more flexibility in my schedule or less on my plate, I step up and try to do as good a job as The Husband does for me.

I thought that my professional success would be due my work ethic, accomplishments, and abilities. I never thought that I would owe much of my success to the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with.